Today, Matts across the country are celebrating the birthday of one very special Matt, Mr. Matthew Lawrence Katz.
Rejoice today (or grieve, for most of you) as you commemorate the birth of this particular Matt.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Mexico's Revenge
After years of bashing our neighbor to the South, Matt Katz has fallen victim to Montezuma's Revenge.
Seems only appropriate for the guy whose favorite movie is "Man on Fire" - OR as it was initially titled - "DENZEL WASHINGTON SETS MEXICO AND ITS PEOPLE ON FIRE."
I can only imagine what will happen to Matt Skibinski. His favorite movie is Field of Dreams. Ray Liota may be paying a visit to the Guacstars in the future....
Seems only appropriate for the guy whose favorite movie is "Man on Fire" - OR as it was initially titled - "DENZEL WASHINGTON SETS MEXICO AND ITS PEOPLE ON FIRE."
I can only imagine what will happen to Matt Skibinski. His favorite movie is Field of Dreams. Ray Liota may be paying a visit to the Guacstars in the future....
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Degraw Street's Worst Nightmare
Since a boy named "Matt" moved into 673 Degraw Street about a month ago, the whole neighborhood has unsurprisingly WENT TO SHIT. Observers can safely assume it is because the neighborhood has unfortunately reached 'MATTPACITY"
The following has happened since "Matt" moved in:
+ A RAT INFESTATION HAS TAKEN HOLD
+ A FIREWORK EXPLODED. the thunderous crackle of this firework woke up many innocent residents on the block. Authorities believe "Matt" could have been behind it.
+ A BODEGA HAS OPENED ON THE CORNER. an opportunistic businessman must have noticed that MATTPACITY was reached. He knew that there would be new, unparalleled high demand for turkey clubs in the area, so he opened yet another bodega.
+ RAY VELCORO HAS BEEN SHOT. "Matt" has an established bird fetish, but doesn't have an alibi for the night of June 28th, 2015.
+ THE GOWANUS CANAL IS SMELLING WORSE THAN EVER. the usual rank smell has combined with all the hot air of 673 Degraw and created something experts are calling a SUPER STENCH. A new Superfund has been established to try to quell the odor.
Mattpacity has changed this neighborhood - unfortunately - not for the better.
The following has happened since "Matt" moved in:
+ A RAT INFESTATION HAS TAKEN HOLD
+ A FIREWORK EXPLODED. the thunderous crackle of this firework woke up many innocent residents on the block. Authorities believe "Matt" could have been behind it.
+ A BODEGA HAS OPENED ON THE CORNER. an opportunistic businessman must have noticed that MATTPACITY was reached. He knew that there would be new, unparalleled high demand for turkey clubs in the area, so he opened yet another bodega.
+ RAY VELCORO HAS BEEN SHOT. "Matt" has an established bird fetish, but doesn't have an alibi for the night of June 28th, 2015.
+ THE GOWANUS CANAL IS SMELLING WORSE THAN EVER. the usual rank smell has combined with all the hot air of 673 Degraw and created something experts are calling a SUPER STENCH. A new Superfund has been established to try to quell the odor.
Mattpacity has changed this neighborhood - unfortunately - not for the better.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Thursday, June 25, 2015
PSA: Too Many Matts - Case Remains Unsolved
Group of young male raucousers, last spotted engaging in an activity known to youth as "keg-standing" in Crown Heights May 2013, is still at large. Although the group, all popularly known as "Matt," has continued to evade authorities, Brooklynites all over the borough are reportedly still experiencing the adverse effects of "Too Many Matts."
Fully 1.5 percent of male babies born in the mid-80s were named Matthew. Little did the drooling bundles know of their destiny: they would grow up, put on navy blue gingham shirts, and say, as if by reflex, "Actually, most people call me Matt." Humanity often doesn't realize the mistakes it is making, except in retrospect. And we made a lot of mistakes in the 80s. Matts were surely one of them.